I'm so sorry. I know a lot of you, my friends, have been getting thicker waistlines as you get older.
Now, AT LAST, you can blame me. Seems that having a friend who is fat makes you fat. You can live next door to, work with, even carpool with a fattie and not gain weight at all as long as you hate them, but if you like a fat person, even one who lives 500 miles away or more, you're going to pay for that friendship by putting on the pounds.
I understand that you might not want to see me when I'm home in August. It's okay. Save yourselves. Let me know if you need me to call you names or something to break the emotional connection. I'll do what I have to to help. This isn't good for any of us. If we keep up with all these good times and devotion, sure, we'll have each other, but there won't be furniture to hold our giant asses.
Oh. And it might help if you put down that pizza, too.