Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Melancholia

It's happening again. I am sad. Really sad. I have been crying for about four hours now. The kind of crying you can't stop. The kind that isn't even sobs, but more like an eye leak, so constant is the flow. (Sobs happen, too, but no one can sustain sobbing for four hours.)

I hate this. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it is positively paralyzing.

I'm thinking this is fear of the unknown manifesting itself as sorrow. It is becoming plain that I will not be able to stay with my current employer if I wish to actually use my MBA to any extent, which means that I don't know what I'm going to be doing a year from now. Usually that sort of uncertainty is fine. But right now it's causing a minor panic attack. There's a lot to do to find a job. I've started the process. I'm not unprepared. It's just that it's sinking in now that there is a monumental task ahead and I am momentarily panicking.

I'm also plagued with self-doubt, and am hyper-critical of my job and school performance and am just generally convinced that I suck. Plus I'm exceptionally broke for the remainder of the month, which hasn't happened in a very long time and so I feel like a loser for draining my reserves down as far as I have this month.

So now we've established that I'm a no-talent pathetic DEADBEAT loser with no future. No wonder I'm crying.

Or maybe it's the PMS. My boobs are sore and I am doubled over with cramps and have tiny chin zits that are cropping up faster with each passing minute.

Nah. I suck. AND I have pizza face, which makes me suck more.

I guess at least I'm excelling at something.

9 comments:

kirelimel said...

Now, now, Mindy- remember, things could be worse! You could be a stay at home mom with a really bad wardrobe, unreasonable hair, a car that is filled with children's toys, clothing, dog hair and various food wrappers, no real income to speak of, a mountain of laundry, no idea what's for dinner and it's 5:20...oh now I feel like crying!! Did I mention bad shoes too?

Dale said...

Do you want me to come over? I would if I could. And then we'd get drunk.

Bubs said...

I'm with Dale. Time to take the drinking cure.

Coaster Punchman said...

Awww, I would say something poignant and uplifting, but now that wouldn't be like me now would it?

Instead I'll just say "well you could be an unhappy Strategic Sales Executive with nothing but a load of damn butt-boys to put up with, a crazy Chinese mother in law and two cats who destroy $800 furniture. Oh, any whose parents are talking of divorce at age 76.

BTW, you're fine. You've always been fine, and you'll always be fine. It will be fine. Really.

lulu said...

Oh Honey, I know this dance well. Have a good cry, a big drink and a couple hours in the tub with a crappy book. And then go to bed. Repeat as needed.

I am right there with the finances, and the job woes. I always kind of assumed that things got easier at some point, but I guess they don't. You're clever, bright, funny as hell, and have a great rack. You will be just fine.

(my word verification is "vominx" I'm not sure what it means, but it sounds interesting)

Writeprocrastinator said...

"So now we've established that I'm a no-talent pathetic DEADBEAT loser with no future."

Um, I'm sorry, I could've sworn that you said you had an MBA, not a fake GED from some questionable school that only advertises at night.

Do you live in a leaky trailer with an abusive al-chi husband and a different child for every digit and teat on you?

"have tiny chin zits that are cropping up faster with each passing minute."

That I can't help you with, you have to get over your fear of goat cheese and anchovies all by yourself.

BeckEye said...

I'm with Dale, too.

Here's to alcohol: the cause of and solution to all of life's problems. - Homer Simpson

Bramley Apple Pies! said...

It sounds trite, but IMHO it's all about attitude. My best job in the world ev-ah was ruined by an evil Ohio soap company leaving me with no real prospects. Plus, my experience was limited to a specific technology and regulatory environment--one that I was bored with.

But instead, I choose to throw care to the wind and spend a few years having great experiences. Then, when I decided to get a job I was tempted to suffer through all the psychological trauma of self-doubt and lack of work-based self-respect. Hell with that, I thought, it's just life and Pangloss was right: things will work out in the end!

So they did with me, and they will with you. You'll find a sweet job somewhere.

Can't say I recommend the alcohol, although I'm usually quite keen on that. It seems to me that it would just make things worse.

Melinda June said...

Thanks for all the kind words. Have elected to go with a bit of optimism, a bit of alcohol, and a lot of time at the gym.

With a little bit of clearasil, I'll have made my way to slightly dull workerdrone stuck in a deadend job by Sunday, and am hoping for slightly clever by the time I go to work on Monday.