It's happening again. I am sad. Really sad. I have been crying for about four hours now. The kind of crying you can't stop. The kind that isn't even sobs, but more like an eye leak, so constant is the flow. (Sobs happen, too, but no one can sustain sobbing for four hours.)
I hate this. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it is positively paralyzing.
I'm thinking this is fear of the unknown manifesting itself as sorrow. It is becoming plain that I will not be able to stay with my current employer if I wish to actually use my MBA to any extent, which means that I don't know what I'm going to be doing a year from now. Usually that sort of uncertainty is fine. But right now it's causing a minor panic attack. There's a lot to do to find a job. I've started the process. I'm not unprepared. It's just that it's sinking in now that there is a monumental task ahead and I am momentarily panicking.
I'm also plagued with self-doubt, and am hyper-critical of my job and school performance and am just generally convinced that I suck. Plus I'm exceptionally broke for the remainder of the month, which hasn't happened in a very long time and so I feel like a loser for draining my reserves down as far as I have this month.
So now we've established that I'm a no-talent pathetic DEADBEAT loser with no future. No wonder I'm crying.
Or maybe it's the PMS. My boobs are sore and I am doubled over with cramps and have tiny chin zits that are cropping up faster with each passing minute.
Nah. I suck. AND I have pizza face, which makes me suck more.
I guess at least I'm excelling at something.