Here, for public display, are my New Year's resolutions.
1) Stop exercising. I mean, why walk when you can ride? Plus, if you take deep breaths in the cold it kind of hurts, so I'll start smoking a pack a day effective immediately, then up that to two packs by my birthday - I'll never be able to fully inhale again.
2) Gain 15 pounds. And start eating more fried foods. There isn't enough grease in my diet.
3) Swear more.
4) Stay unemployed. Instead, I'll start watching daytime TV and selling Amway on the side. Or maybe Shaklee.
5) In fact, watch more TV full stop. Can you believe I haven't caught an episode of Mama's Boys yet???
6) Buy a deeply discounted SUV and burn as much fossil fuel as I can.
7) Sit home a lot. Socializing sucks. Plus it's more fun to drink alone.
8) Start a Ponzi scheme.
9) Go whoring. Who needs a real relationship?
10) Start volunteering for the RNC.