Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Reverse psychology

Here, for public display, are my New Year's resolutions.

1) Stop exercising. I mean, why walk when you can ride? Plus, if you take deep breaths in the cold it kind of hurts, so I'll start smoking a pack a day effective immediately, then up that to two packs by my birthday - I'll never be able to fully inhale again.
2) Gain 15 pounds. And start eating more fried foods. There isn't enough grease in my diet.
3) Swear more.
4) Stay unemployed. Instead, I'll start watching daytime TV and selling Amway on the side. Or maybe Shaklee.
5) In fact, watch more TV full stop. Can you believe I haven't caught an episode of Mama's Boys yet???
6) Buy a deeply discounted SUV and burn as much fossil fuel as I can.
7) Sit home a lot. Socializing sucks. Plus it's more fun to drink alone.
8) Start a Ponzi scheme.
9) Go whoring. Who needs a real relationship?
10) Start volunteering for the RNC.

5 comments:

Scott J. said...

I was with you until #10.

You're the devil !

Mnmom said...

Sounds like what I already do, except #10. You gotta maintain SOME sort of dignity

Doc said...

I'm all for #7!

Doc

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I'll start saving my money for #9.

Melinda June said...

Scottie, if you're going on a downard spiral, why not go whole hog?!

Mnmom, does your husband know about #9?

Doc, I'll toast you with my bourbon when I'm sitting by myself, knowing I've got a kindred spirit out there.

And then I'll paint up my face and head out to meet the Dr. FYI though, Monks, you may need to mortgage that new house. Perfection doesn't come cheap.