Monday, February 19, 2007

Little Timmy Wants a Cat o' Nine Tails

I know many of you share my hatred for the Kristians and their wacky world of bigotry and ignorance. If you've ever gotten me talking about religion, you know how angry I am that they give my religious tradition a bad name with all their crazy. Bastards. So I vent my frustrations by ridiculing them and their ilk, something in which my friend Timmy is more than happy to assist. Tim has hooked me up with many many sites of blasphemous good fun, such as the Jesii of the Week and the Lego Life of Christ series.

Today, Tim hooked me up with Kids in Ministry. Sadly, this site is real. Not only do they offer Jesus Camp for the little nippers, they have the most fascinating visual kits to help teach the little ones how to prophesize, bathe in the blood of Jesus, and reenact the great moments in Bible history. They don't like it when we call them scary, and rebut by saying that obviously if you think they're scary you are either ignorant or the spawn of Satan.

I am neither of these. I find them scary because they are manipulating impressionable young minds, filling them with half-truths and bigotry by using out-of-context biblical quotes and single-minded scriptural interpretations. I find them scary because they pick the ugly, violent, vengeful side of God and use it to bend children to their will, rather than sharing the inclusive, love-focused message that is actually the "Jesus" part of the New Testament. (Don't get me started on that misogynist Paul and all his letters telling people what to do. Pleh.)

I find them scary because of things like this.

The Blood of Jesus visual kit:


What's Included:

Crown of Thorns
One Crucifixion Nail
Cat of Nine Tails Whip
Tabernacle Felt Set
Life-size Latex Heart Model
Kids Discover Magazine on Blood
Scarlet Cord with Tassels
Cardboard Ark of the Covenant
Cardboard Brazen Altar
Instructions to Make High Priest Costume
Instructions to Make a Temple Veil
Chef's cap for High Priest's Crown
Judge's Gavel
Simplicity Patterns for Bible costume

And as a little something extra: The Sacrifice Lamb
"it's an absolute MUST for the series on the Blood of Jesus.. It stands 15 " tall so it is nearly life-size of a new-born lamb. Perfect for carrying under your arm, or around your neck. Fits perfectly on the cardboard Brazen Altar!"

Other than the Cat of Nine Tails Whip listed above (perfect for the kiddies, I always say, not to mention a nice plus for the mommies and daddies,) my personal favourite kit inclusion is in Our Amazing God. You get a human brain mold, both a learning tool AND ideal for jello salads or terrines for those church potlucks. Wondering how they use it in the curriculum. Perhaps to show which part of the brain you need to lobotomize in order to commit fully to strict creationism?

6 comments:

Tenacious S said...

Holy crap! Literally. That's twisted. I wonder if my uncle sells stuff like that in his Christian bookstore. If he did, he'd still call it Jesus Junk. Yeah, that's what the people who sell the stuff call it. Nice, right?

Bubs said...

I'll pray for you, heathen.

Coaster Punchman said...

I know what someone's getting for Christmas....

Ten-S, does your uncle have a Christian bookstore or a Kristian bookstore?

Ruth said...

Now I'm feeling ignorant - I'd never heard of Kristians. And googling isn't helping a lot at the moment... it's showing me a lot of sites against Kristains, but none pro.

But I did read the lecture plan that goes with the Blood of Jesus visual kit ... http://kidsinministry.com/OnlineResources/Sample%20Lesson.Blood.pdf

Interesting!

Melinda June said...

No need to feel ignorant, Ruth. Kristians are a made up thing, and people in the US have to worry about them more anyway, what since they're trying to steal our civil liberties and destroy diversity in our society.

Likely you will find no sites defending them. (And they don't like it when we call them this.)

Haven't read the lecture plan yet, but will do so immediately.

Jared & Dawn Richardson said...

What is a Kristian?