Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Hater, vol. 3

I hate that I have to write this. I really hate it. Because I don't want to have to say it. But it's been building up for weeks now, and as much as I've tried to rationalize and beat it out of me, I can't help myself.

Hillary Clinton, it's time to go away now. Seriously. Vamoose. Be gone, Satan.

Okay. You're not Satan. That was a cheap shot. I'm sorry.

In fact, you're an impressive, accomplished woman. You're brilliant. You genuinely care about America. You are willing to have a bit of fun at your own expense on Letterman and The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, and you'll even go on the sub-standard Saturday Night Live and laugh at their stupid no-talent jokes. Hillary, there is a lot to like about you, and I can say I used to genuinely be your biggest fan. And not in a creepy Kathy Bates way, but in a respectful, appropriate-distance kinda way.

But now you're a harpy-like caricature of a politician, what with your helmet hair and fashionably square pantsuits - your 3AM ad, and your bitter-elite-nancyboy attacks, and your ludicrous reminiscing about hunting trips with your dad. Why have you sunk so low? What has driven you to this moronically petty nattering?

Sure, Barack Obama is handsome, dead-sexy even, and has a quick wit and natural eloquence that charms everyone in his path. And yes, he hasn't been in the senate that long, and he's only 40-something and he's only been in the national eye since 2004. But that doesn't make tea with the wives of foreign dignitaries foreign policy experience - my friend Callista does that, and while believe-you-me she'd be a force of nature in the Oval Office, it doesn't give her equal qualifications to her husband. You've been a senator four more years than Mr. Obama, and you are Bill Clinton's wife so you saw a lot of things when he was president. You're capable, you're smart, and you can do the job, but you're not Henry Kissinger. So stop with the bill of goods.

And while I'm at it, Bill, what are you doing????? Come ON, mate. I used to think you were king. So smart. So kind. So charismatic. So full of promise. You were my first, my love. After trying to get rid of Reagan and Bush Sr. to no avail, you were the sweet sweet taste of victory. A voice of reason in a world of supply-side, Falwell-loving claptrap. And now you're out there ranting like a lunatic, completely disconnected from the tidal wave of change about to wash politics-as-usual out to sea. Oh, Bill. Dear, sweet Bill. We are so OVER.

Hillary, I beseech you...stop being so stubborn and face the facts. It's time to bow out gracefully. It's always best to leave before you're asked to. It's not that I don't think Pennsylvanians have a right to vote. But you're not going to win the nomination, and the more you grandstand in desperate attempts to save your campaign, the more you just seem churlish and bitchy.

But good luck to you. And God Bless.

Oh. And word to the wise...next time you're offered a shot, tequila and bourbon have more blue-collar impact than Crown Royal. It comes in a blue felt-velvet bag, for Pete's sake. Crown Royal is for people who are putting on airs.

10 comments:

Bubs said...

I'm tired of the Clintons and their willingness to put us all through their drama.

I like the theory that Bill is consciously or unconsciously sabotaging her campaign.

Bramley Apple Pies! said...

I like this whole business. And I like John McCain!

lulu said...

I really wanted her to win, but I agree that it's not going to happen and that now is the time to bow out and stop messing with the party.

I just wish I liked Obama more than I do.

Some Guy said...

I totally agree.

kirelimel said...

Thank you, Melinda, for saying what my heart felt. And saying it so well.

Coaster Punchman said...

She kind of redeemed herself last night at the debate where she emphasized that the most important thing is that a Democrat get in office - and she said Obama could win. Seems like she's starting her graceful bow-out.

Madame Leiderhosen said...

Well Done, Melinda June! Thanks for putting it down better than anyone else.

I don't ever want to be on the wrong end of your hater list.

michaelg said...

Here here. Hillary could have done better if Bill had kept his pie hole shut on occasion and hadn't been impeached his last term in office. Even though they're separate people, all that crap loomed over Hillary's campaign.
I'm not a fan of Obama yet. It is hard for me not to be wary of a "change" campaign when I haven't heard a lot of substantive plans in the execution department.

BeckEye said...

Agreed. I refuse to vote for her just because she's a woman. I don't even have that many female friends, so I'm obviously not that into supporting my gender. :)

Cheesecake Maven said...

Great rant! We'll see what happens in PA tomorrow, it should be the end of it. I'm headed off on Friday to the district convention as an Obama delegate, wish us all luck!