The Special People Club

There was a giant spider living in my boots under the steps. He is dead now. I never, ever, EVER play that if-I-had-a-boyfriend game because, frankly, I can't really be bothered with the hassle they bring and I know how to hook up my own DVD player/computer/stereo, thank you very much. But I tell you what. A big strong man with a thirst for spider blood could make me swoon and bat my eyes, yessiree, BOB. If he also cleaned up overgrown plants in the wet, spider-filled Garden of Terror, I'd marry him on the spot. Heck, a cave-chested, pencil-necked, pasty-white-stay-inside could turn my head if he had a good strong pair of boots for kicking spider ass. But then who am I kidding? Pasty-white-stay-insides always turn my head.

I've just quoted Spider-Man in my Leadership Skills essay.

My house and garden are riddled, RIDDLED, I tell you, with creepy crawlies. I had to mow the lawn again the other day. It's been raining like the next great flood is approaching for the last month so everything was still damp. There were some boxes on the sidewalk by the garage that I'd been meaning to move to the rubbish. Underneath them were translucent orange slugs, (seriously, translucent orange slugs the size of thumbs,) about 15 snails and a few beetle things. Pleh. As I paced the lawn with my mower I imagined my feet crushing hundreds of little escargot and their translucent orange friends. Oh, the carnage! Much worse than all my slimy little friends outside, however, are all of the spiders that have been making their way through every little crack in my house. Small ones are the size of my pinky nail. Big ones are the size of a silver dollar, assuming their legs are curled up under them. They're all vaguely hairy. And they're everywhere. Killed one by the d...

I have a hedgehog . This is proof that I now live in Europe. Because if I lived in Minneapolis, the only hedgehog I could have is one from a pet store. But I have one living in my garden. This is what a hedgehog looks like. I'm adding this picture so that you will know, as you probably live in America and have never seen one. But I, I live in EUROPE, so I see them every day now. They're like foxes and pheasants. Everywhere you look, there's one popping out of a shrub. Ho hum. My hedgehog is quite useful. He eats grubs and insects and other pests. I think he's actually here to take care of my spider problem, which is fine by me. I have a snail invasion right now, too, and so I think he might be feasting on l'escargot for special occasions. I would leave a little dish of garlic butter out for him, but hedgehogs are lactose intolerant. And since they suffer from cancer and fatty liver disease, I wouldn't want to contribute by feeding him bad things. Hedgehogs m...

On Friday, my belongings arrived from the states. I didn't ship that much, but what came will make me feel like there's a bit of me in the house. I shipped art by my friends Larry and Pam, as well as some items that friends and loved ones have given me that remind me of home. I have pictures of my friends and family already here, but there are more in the boxes. You'll be spread around the house now. I shipped some glassware and such because, while I don't really need my dishes, the glasses here suck and I have cool ones. There are a couple of things broken in that box, but I don't know which because I haven't had time to unpack it. I'm hopeful it's not too bad. I shipped all of my cds, as well as some books I've been meaning to read. I can now fill my house with the sounds I like and can finish Hillary's (auto?)biography before the campaign. There are winter clothes in time for winter. There are summer clothes in time for the last days of summer...

I hate spiders. I really hate spiders. They should warn you before you move to England that there are lots of spiders here, just in case. There are spiders that live in my car. They build little webs on my mirrors every night. In the daytime I knock them off, hoping that eventually the demoralized spiders will move on to some Vauxhall or Peugeot parked next to me, but they keep rebuilding. I had to take a broom to my house today, knocking down webs and eggsacks on every ground floor window. There is a spider in the front that I've nicknamed Charlotte, as it regularly builds a web between my rose bushes and my hanging basket that is literally six feet in diameter. I periodically knock it down, though, as I am not kind-hearted like Wilbur.