The Special People Club

The damn swans won't leave the pond across the street. And the ducks aren't any happier than I am. Today, I was looking out the kitchen window while I did some dishes, and I saw three ducks floating in a corner of the pond, like they were plotting. It was as though one of them said, "Break!" The three separated, kind of circled casually over to the area where the swans were floating, and they created a huge ruckus, actually coming near a swan's head as one of them took to flight, and the swans ended up getting out of the water. Meanwhile, I think the swans know I'm onto their nastiness and they're coming to get me. I found a giant goose-like poo on my sidewalk, and a huge mudprint of a webbed foot near it. Bring it on, you long-necked freaks.

Winter is upon us. Our summer was crap, actually...cold and rainy and very little sunshine...but that happens in England sometimes. But now Winter is definitely here. It is cold. It is blustery. It is getting dark much earlier and a skunk of grey covers the sky. I finally gave up shivering under blankets three weeks ago and broke down to turn on the heat. The toilets at pubs and restaurants are icy-frozen-cold, and you best think twice before sitting. We are in for six months of this, getting colder and blusterier and drizzlier by the month. But the swans are now south for the winter. It's just me and the ducks. We are giddy. There is a spring in our step. We greet the day with a smile. We can stroll at our leisure, knowing the nasty swans are nowhere to be found, threatening with their raised wings and poking necks. Huzzah!!!!! And the bastards didn't even have the decency to say goodbye.

I've been back a little over a week now, and am finally settling back into my groove. Work has been manageable, which is nice since I had three weeks of emails to plow through and respond to. I have decided that email is the scourge of mankind, evidence that the Antichrist is nigh. My colleagues and supervisors have been very supportive and kind, except of course for the guy who got bent out of shape because I didn't greet him warmly and ask about his vacation on my first day back. That guy is a twat. But the rest of them have been great. The women on my team took my house key a few days before I returned to the UK and stocked my fridge with staple items and left flowers, chocolates and a card to welcome me home. May I also say that they told me, completely unsolicited, that when they arrived the first time the swans made a beeline for their car and refused to let them out. They went to lunch and came back later. I TOLD you those swans are evil. I went to classes last weeken...

1. The swans are back. For a couple of weeks a year, swans move into the small pond across from my house. A pair, even. They're huge, I tell you. Gi-normous. Folks in the neighbourhood bring their kids on walks and stop to feed them. Personally, I'd not let a kid within 10 feet of those monsters. They could take out a toddler in one swoop. And they stare. A lot. With a soul-less, dark gaze. ("Outlanders there.") And they're not really that graceful. Sure they float nicely and all, but when those necks are bending cleaning their feathers and reaching for food, they're downright freaky. I guess it's kind of like I live in their home and I'm seeing the belching/farting/no-makeup version of the supermodel, but to me they just seem kind ugly. No wonder Susan hates them so much. Oh. And at night they tuck their weird necks down under their wings and look like white floating bags of rubbish. It's time for them to move on. 2. I am sick. I have ...

Or, for you atheists, what Google Earth sees when he looks down at me. Note - you can see the ducks on the pond. This appears to be in happier times, before the swans showed up. Unless they're hiding under the trees. That's possible. Google Earth - yet another way to distract me from doing my homework.

Not only have the swans NOT left the pond for the season, but the spiders are coming out in force with the warmer days. Is there no God?????

Lucky me. Too many late nights and a weekend in the cold, damp air have felled me with an evil sinus infection. This is the color of things coming out of my nose and lungs . Call me a hypochondriac, but that just ain't right. My head is fuzzy, I feel barfy, and the sides of my nose are painful to the touch. And the damn swans are back on the pond. Talk about a harbinger of doom.

I know I should be ashamed of myself, but I am frickin ' freezin ' right now. We're having a cold snap, with the temps hovering around 0 degrees Celsius for the last week. Sure, it gets warmer (maybe 5-10 C) during the daytime, but at night it is solidly below freezing. Mornings are frosty, and I have to scrape the car. The duck pond has a little layer of watery ice, able to support the weights of the ducks before noon, but swans usually break through. (Which makes me laugh a snickering laugh of poetic justice, of course.) Worse yet, my boiler is acting funny...not out, exactly, but not staying on steadily as it should. Plus I seem to have turned a few radiators off and can't figure out how to turn them back on. (I've tried twisting the knobs, but that hasn't helped.) So my toes are frozen and I'm huddled under blankets and I'm praying that it will warm back up to normal temperatures soon. But we're supposed to get six inches of snow tomorrow ...

Not sure what Tom did today. I think he watched telly and slept. He called me at work around 4, completely lost in the redways of Milton Keynes. Once you're lost you're going to have a hard time finding your way out, I tell you, because everything looks exactly the same. By 530 he'd made his way to a little pub in Newport Pagnell and I met him for a beer after work. We discovered that the pub was decorated with Victorian pornographic drawings, which seems an odd choice for an olde worlde pub but there you have it. Made us laugh pretty hard, actually. Went to a Chinese restaurant in the city centre called the Royal Lido, which Tom declared worthy of George which is a good thing. We had delicious Cantonese barbecued duck and bok choy in garlic. Came home and within about 10 minutes Tom was fast asleep on the sofa. I've sent him to bed with orders to get a good night's sleep so he makes it into London tomorrow, and I'll be right behind him as soon as I finish ty...

In an effort for new material, I decided I wanted to join the interview circuit and asked Bubs over at The Compound to hit me with his best shot....and if you'd like to play, just follow the directions below. 1) As someone who reads travel lit like a freak consumes porn, I'm incredibly envious of your ex-pat lifestyle. How does an earnest midwesterner end up living and studying in the U.K. while jetting around to places like Oman and India ? Like most things in my life, my expat life is sheer fluke. Here is a step by step guide to how it’s done: Step 1) Grow up in a small town. Develop an insatiable fascination with big cities, foreign lands, and anyplace without cornfields. This will give you a mindset that keeps you focused on the prize. Step 2) Get a really useful major from a small liberal arts college…something like English or Art History. You’ll be well read and able to hold party conversation about the free-wheeling lifestyle of the German Expres...

What was the first recorded music you bought? I'm 40. Like I can remember this. I've bought a lot of music in my day, and I can't even hazard a guess. Knowing my taste in the 70's, it was likely something by Abba, though I liked a bit of 10CC and had my share of Osmond and DeFranco Family albums. I was really, really cool, FYI. I even had dance routines. What was the last music you bought? Badly Drawn Boy, Amy Winehouse and I replaced my Weezer album (all electronically) What was the first "professional" music show you ever went to? The Carpenters. (They could have been my first purchased music, as well.) What was the last? I am such a saddo that I don't remember. I think it was the band I saw on Tom's 40 th birthday. They had a chick playing a typewriter. Let me think about this some more and I'll update it later. Unless the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain counts. I saw them a few months ago. What's your "desert island" album?...

I just watched the most amazing programme about Scientology. There's a BBC show called Panorama that does a lot of targeted investigative reporting. This week, they checked into the Church of Scientology. You can read about it, and possibly even watch it here . (Not sure if it allows you to view it from the US, but it's worth a try.) I'm not about to call it a cult, or suggest it is built on the rantings of a schizophrenic or anything. Nope. Scientology is a true religion. It is the one true way. Seriously. You doubt my sincerity? Watch the video and you'll agree. Oh. And I'm even more distrustful of the swans now. There are nine of them now that the babies are here. But they are not a cult. And clowns? Just good natured comedians. Please leave me alone. I'm harmless. I like you. Really. I do.

There is a white duck living in my pond now. I've never actually seen a white duck before. In cartoons and things, and in that Ping book about the chinese duck, but never live and in person. I got a little worried that it was a swan mistakenly raised by ducks, and soon it would have a freakish neck and start stalking me, but I looked it up. That doesn't really happen. (The part about ducks mistakenly raising swans, I mean.)

I will not have my photo until late in the week for the Little Miss Sunshine Pagean t . Rats. The damn swans are back. Migrating bastards. On the plus side, we have a blue heron in the pond right now, as well. Him, I like. (Or her...haven't really determined the gender, what since I'm not much of a birdwatcher.) I have asked for a quote from an agency to do a garden cleanup and another to do a steamclean of the house. It's a bit grungy around the edges from years of tenants. I have sensitive teeth today. I am losing my battle to find an affordable ticket home for the holidays. I hadn't intended to come, but it is now seeming that it will be better for everyone if I spend it with my family. I am researching India for my Macroeconomics WAC and now I'm craving a curry. I broke my left big toe yesterday when I tripped on some stuff in the living room. It is now all shades of purple, and kind of swollen, too. I also did a number on the right one, but that's mostly na...

I'm knocking on wood as I say it, but I think the creepy freaks are gone. I haven't seen them in a week. Thank God for migration. Let them terrorize someone else for awhile. If only parrots spent the summer up north, too.